My disturbed and mental version of red riding hood
by InsanityWriter96
Summary: Itachi, every fangirl's favorite weasel, hid in the bushes with a high-level cloaking genjutsu, staring curiously at the basket in your hands. His amazing weasel-powered sense of smell told him that your basket had several bottles of purple nail polish


**Laci: Hmm I have no clue what I was thinking with this one, but I was on my stories at another website and found this, since I made it like 2 years ago :D aha anyway I hope you enjoyed it, I worked hard on it..not really but enjoy! ^^**

**It was a beautiful day in the forest just outside of the village hidden in the waterfalls. Rays of sunlight stretched out upon the tall canopies of the trees. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing. **

**You were skipping through the forest, humming a cheerful tune about candies, rainbows, butterflies, and whatever else it is that young girls sing about these days as you held a simple picnic basket in your hands.**

**Your grandfather, whom was so egotistical that he had everyone address him as **_**Leader**_**, was horribly ill. (Actually, he just had a hangover from partying too much, but that's beside the point…) Your mother, whose name was unknown by everyone, sent you out to bring him a basket full of Aspirin and purple nail polish in the hopes that it would make him feel better. You had asked the blue-haired woman with the flower why she couldn't bring it to him herself, but she responded by chasing you out of the house with a broom.**

**And so, here you were, skipping through the forest all by your lonesome. You twirled around in your red cloak, prolonging your arrival to your grandfather's house for as long as you could. You weren't really in the mood to hear another story about how he planned to become the ultimate ruler of the world.**

**Little did you know, you were being watched.**

**Itachi, every fangirl's favorite weasel, hid in the bushes with a high-level cloaking genjutsu, staring curiously at the basket in your hands. His amazing weasel-powered sense of smell told him that your basket had several bottles of purple nail polish within it. (Remember kids, sniffing nail polish is **_**wrong**_**.)**

**The store that Itachi usually purchased his purple nail polish from had recently been taken over by Orochimaru and turned into the new Sound Village. So, Itachi devised an evil scheme to steal the nail polish from you and make you cry because he got some perverse sort of pleasure from bringing young girls to tears.**

**Itachi released his genjutsu and walked out from his hiding place in the bushes. "Hello, little girl. What are you doing here in the woods?"**

**You turned towards the source of the emotionless voice with a raised eyebrow. You were no idiot; you knew better than to talk to strange weasels, especially **_**talking**_** weasels; especially giant, talking, humanoid weasels. You ignored it and continued on your way towards your grandfather's house.**

**Itachi's right eye twitched.**

**There was no way he could just let you walk off; if he did then the story would be over! Besides, you ignored him and **_**no one**_** got away with ignoring Itachi. No one. How **_**dare**_** you for not drooling over the weasel-hotness that is Itachi and becoming one of the many members of his ever-growing fan-based harem?**

**Shame on you!**

**Itachi quickly scurried after you with all the elegance and grace a weasel can muster. "So, what do you have in the basket?" he inquired with a slightly raised eyebrow, feigning friendliness, though it was hard to detect within that monotone voice of his.**

"…**A shotgun" you answered simply then sped up your pace.**

**Itachi sped up his own pace, easily keeping up with you. "You wouldn't happen to be going to your grandfather's house, would you?"**

"…**Nope."**

"**Because if you were," he continued, "I just **_**might**_** happen to know a shortcut…"**

"**Bite me" you responded. You then proceeded to waste some more time by rolling around in a patch of weeds. Or poison ivy. Whichever it was.**

**Itachi's eye twitched again. He ignored the urge to bite you on the nose and give you rabies in favor of doing something more productive; plotting revenge. From a nearby plot hole, Itachi pulled out a small story book entitled **_**Little Red Riding Hood**_**. He skimmed through the pages until he learned the location of your grandfather's house.**

**Itachi ran as fast as his beautiful weasel-legs could carry him so that he would reach your grandfather's house before you did. He would have… **_**his revenge**_**! …And his precious purple nail polish.**

**Meanwhile, you were still rolling around in that single patch of weeds.**

"**Rollin in ze weeds, rollin in ze weeds, rollin in ze weeds…"**

**You were having a jolly good time before one of the weeds suddenly grew to giant proportions and took the form of an odd-looking man.**

**You stared at the man.**

**He stared back.**

**You poked the giant Venus flytrap on his head.**

"**We are Zetsu," he roared, "The magical talking plant that keeps the plot moving!"**

**You frowned. "Wait, **_**Little Red Riding Hood**_** doesn't have a magical talking pla-"**

"_**SILENCE!**_**" Zetsu stared down at you with narrowed eyes. "We are minions of Leader and were sent by him to make sure you go to your grandfather's house."**

"**And what if I don't feel like going to my grandfather's house?" you asked.**

"**Then… **_**We shall devour your female flesh…**_**" Zetsu answered with a smirk, raising his lips to reveal sharp canines; they were even sharper than the talking weasel's teeth!**

**While Zetsu got into a fight with himself over whether or not he wanted to eat you, you decided that you would finally go to your grandfather's house as long as it meant you would be free from this freak.**

**And so, basket in hand, you skipped off towards your grandfather's house to continue on with the plot. Besides, you thought it would be fun to chase him around with a flashlight again.**

**While you were still at least ten minutes walking distance away, Itachi had already arrived at your grandfather's humble abode. He kicked down the front door, not even bothering to knock, and barged in the house with all his weasel glory. After all, He was Itachi, and with his striking good looks he was welcome everywhere by everyone.**

**Well, except for his brother, but that's another story entirely.**

"…**The heck? I don't know who you are but you better fix the door! The light's giving me a migraine" Leader mumbled as he rubbed his temple. Despite the fact that light was pouring into the room, Leader was **_**still**_** shrouded in darkness. Apparently Leader was so great a criminal mastermind that he even broke the laws of nature.**

**Itachi stared down at the broken pieces of what used to be the door for a minute then returned his gaze back to Leader. Leader frowned when Itachi didn't move, but just sighed as he pulled a sheet off his bed and hung it over the doorway, blocking out the sunlight.**

**Leader sat back on his bed, rubbing his head and closing his eyes. "So, who are you and what do you want? And make it quick; I'm in no mood to talk at the moment."**

"**I am Itachi."**

"…**And?" Leader urged Itachi on.**

"**I have come here to lock you in a closet, steal your clothes, and impersonate you in order to trick your granddaughter and steal her purple nail polish."**

"…**You've got to be kidding me."**

**Itachi smirked, an odd glint shining in his eyes as he looked at Leader. The corner of his lips twitched as he took a single step towards the shadowy man.**

**Leader's face blanched, or at least, one can assume it would do so, given the situation, even though the darkness effectively covered him. Either way, things weren't looking very good for poor Leader. "…Shit."**

**Currently, you were just outside your grandfather's house. You sat down in front of the house and plucked a few flowers from the ground as you heard the sounds of your grandfather being man-handled (weasel-handled?) by Itachi and being forced into his closet. Sure, you could've jumped through the curtain-door-thingy and come to your grandfather's rescue, but that was too much of a hassle. Besides, you were much more interested in the flowers in your hand. You giggled as you pulled away their petals, pretending the flowers were Zetsu.**

"_**...Having fun?**_**"**

**You jumped at the sound, your heart beating a mile a minute. You stared down at the ground by your feet, your eyes widening when you saw Zetsu's head sticking out. More of his body emerged from the ground until he was towering over you, sending you death glares with his golden eyes.**

"**Don't you think you should go inside to help your grandfather?" he questioned, his eyes narrowed to tiny slits.**

**You blinked. "Not really. I mean, there's a potentially dangerous man in there and I'm just a little girl. Can't I just call the police and let them handle the situation?"**

**Zetsu's glare hardened. "There are no police officers in **_**Little Red Riding Hood**_**."**

"**But, there also aren't any talking pla-"**

"_**Just get in the damn house!**_**"**

**And with that, Zetsu picked you up and threw you through the window. Sadly for you, the window was closed, causing you to crash against the surprisingly strong glass surface.**

"**Ow… my brain hurts…"**

**Oh well, a little brain damage never really hurt anyone. With a sigh, Zetsu walked to the window, opened it, then threw you through it for a second time.**

**Luckily, this time you actually made it through the window. Unluckily, you landed head-first into your grandfather's sharp and pointy objects collection. Of course, the reason **_**why**_** your grandfather would have such a collection was beyond you, but you felt no desire pry into your grandfather's personal life. As far as you were concerned, what he did in the privacy of his own home was his own business.**

**You stood up and flinched as you pulled out a needle that had lodged itself within your right cheek. You turned towards you grandfather's bed and paused; there, lying in Leader's bed and wearing a lady's night gown, was Itachi.**

**Your right eyelid twitched. "…The heck?"**

"**Ah, Granddaughter, I'm so glad you came" he said in his monotonous voice.**

…**Okay. There was no way in heck that he actually thought you would mistake him for your grandfather. You were perfectly aware that, though you had never seen his face, your grandfather was **_**not**_** a giant talking weasel with pretty eyes and hair. How stupid did he think you were?**

"**Now come here and give your grandfather a hug" Itachi ordered, extending his arms towards you as he stared at you, his face still blank and emotionless.**

**Obviously, he must've thought you were pretty dang stupid. Well fine. You could play along with his little game for now. It wasn't as if you had anything better to do anyway. Well, except rescuing your grandfather, but that could wait.**

**You smiled as you walked towards Itachi, stopping just as you reached his bedside. You stared down at the weasel, his hands still extended, and shook both his hands before retracting your own hands back to your sides. Itachi frowned, but allowed his hands to fall down on the surface of the bed.**

"**You must be really sick, **_**Grandfather**_**" you stated, eyeing Itachi suspiciously. "You look absolutely dreadful. Oh my, what pale skin you have!" you declared in mock worry.**

"**All the better to seduce fangirls with" he replied smoothly.**

"**What red eyes you have!"**

"**All the better to reduce my fangirls into a gelatin-like state."**

"**What big ears you have!" you stated, pointing towards the large, fuzzy ears on Itachi's head.**

"**All the better to hear the squeals of glee from my fangirls" was Itachi's suave response.**

"**Oh my, what unsightly wrinkles you have under your eyes!"**

**Itachi glared. "I do **_**not**_** have wrinkles" he stated indignantly.**

"**What a large waistline you have!" you continued, paying no mind to whatever Itachi had to say. "Grandfather, sickness is no excuse for you to let yourself go. After all, what would all those fangirls of yours think if they knew you had such a weakness for sweets?"**

**You amused yourself by watching the vein in Itachi's forehead pulse rapidly. Perhaps if you annoyed him enough then it would explode. It was worth a shot to try, you concluded.**

"**I'll have you know, I have a lovely slim figure that teenage girls across the country **_**envy**_**!" Itachi screeched, causing you to raise an eyebrow. So Itachi actually could express emotions… Who'd a thunk it?**

"**Dude, **_**Grandfather**_**, take a chill pill. Speaking of chill pills, did you take your medication? I know how cranky you can get when you aren't drugged up." As you spoke, you started fiddling with the picnic basket in your hand. You grinned as you pulled out a bottle of Aspirin, taking a few minutes to pull off the troublesome child-safety lid.**

**However, this action allowed Itachi a glimpse of what was inside your picnic basket; the man-weasel's eyes glazed over at the sight of the purple nail polish. His goal was so close that he could nearly taste it, causing Itachi to drool slightly though he managed to stop himself before you noticed and made some comment about him being old and senile and incapable of controlling his body's actions.**

**A sinister smirk made its way over Itachi's features and his dark eyes glittered in anticipation. He had waited long enough for his beloved purple nail polish; now was the time for him to claim his prize.**

**With a battle cry that sounded akin to a dying antelope, Itachi pounced, his eyes set on your basket which held his precious nail polish. However, his eyes widened when he found himself suddenly face-to-face with the barrel of a shotgun.**

**His eyelids twitched. "Where'd you-"**

"**I told you I had a shotgun in my basket."**

**You didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. Luckily for Itachi, his beauty easily deflected the shot, causing the bullet to bounce away from him and shoot through the closet door instead; you ignored the pained grunt that came from within the closet's depths.**

**Even though Itachi was unharmed, the experience had been too much for him. Crimson eyes widened in horror as Itachi stared down at his hands. Apparently, during the excitement, Itachi had managed to break one of his nails. With a gasp, Itachi jumped out of the nearest window and ran away in search of a nail salon. Maybe if he was lucky then they'd have some purple nail polish too.**

**You stared at the weasel's retreating form, eyes wide in slight confusion. "That was…weird."**

"**Never fear, Little Red. Hidan is here to kick some weasel but with the power of Jashin! Seriously." yelled a strange silver-haired man wielding a scythe with three blades. What the heck was he supposed to be? Some sort of hunter?**

"**Sorry, but you're a little late. He already ran away."**

**Hidan blanched. "He's gone already? Seriously?" You slowly nodded your head. "Dang. Now who will I sacrifice to Jashin…?" The man's gaze suddenly landed on you, a wicked grin spreading over his features. The corners of his lips quirked up in an eerie smile as he raised his scythe in the air.**

"…**What are you going to do with that?"**

**The man didn't answer you; he simply took a step closer to you, aiming his weapon.**

"**Eeeep!" you squealed as you dodged the blow that had been meant for your head. You quickly jumped out the window (since it seems that no one in this story has the common sense to use a door like a civilized being) and ran as fast your feet could carry you. The hunter chased after you, the sadistic grin still on his face.**

**As you ran, you couldn't help but wonder if you had forgotten something important. Oh well; you had more important things to worry about at the moment.**

**Meanwhile…**

"**Hey… Is anyone out there?" Leader called from within his closet prison. "I could really use some help. Can somebody please get me out of here?"**

**No response.**

"…**I have candy!"**

…

"…**I have to go to the bathroom!"**

**Too bad for Leader that Zetsu was too busy flirting with a rose bush to hear his cry for help.**

**The End. Hapilly Ever After. : D,whahaha**


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